Eye Bleach - COMPLETE
by orangeyhairedimmortal
Summary: While Ichika is cleaning out her mother's barrack, she comes across a video that fell out of a box. She and Renji watch it. Song fic, parody. Based off of Katy Perry's 'California Gurls' music video. ONESHOT


**some notes: 100 seems like a good round number to start at Shino. it'd be like thirteen in human years or something**

 **i wish there was an easier way to describe the scenes but there isn't. a lot of them are supposed to be going on while the singing is being done just like in a regular music video.**

 **anyhow, enjoy**

 **ps: i wrote the lyrics to this parody, so no stealing and rukia is singing the song**

* * *

Ichika moved some boxes around the barrack so she could clean the floor. She hated being on cleaning duty but her father had said that she couldn't go to the Shino Academy until she was 100. She was pretty bummed about that but Renji said it gave time for maturity and development of spiritual pressure. He said that if she had oozing spiritual pressure (like Toshiro had had when he was younger) then he would ask for an advance in her training. She hoped her zanpakuto allowed that for her.

As she moved another box, the bottom fell open and the contents fell to the floor. She groaned and threw the cardboard box angrily behind her, almost hitting Renji as he walked in.

"Hey, watch it!" he yelled.

"Sorry, Dad." She said over her shoulder.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, it's just the box fell open."

"Ah, I see. I'll go find another one and you can put the contents in there."

She nodded as he went to go find another box. Ichika began to pick up the contents of the box when she felt something hard through a spare shihakusho. She moved the sleeve and found a video tape labeled, **SHINIGAMI GIRLS**.

"Found one." Renji said, walking back in.

"Hey, what's this?" she asked, holding up the tape.

Renji took it from her and looked at it.

"I'm not sure. Go pop it in the VCR and we'll take a look at it. Give you a little break."

Ichika smiled and went over to the small TV that had a VCR attached to it. She popped the tape in and sat cross-legged in front of the screen. Renji joined her as the video came on. There were pink clouds moving around and then there was a table that had an abundant of sweets on it. Ichigo was sitting at the head of the table wearing a white suit and black sunglasses.

"Hey, isn't that you and Mom's friend?" Ichika asked.

"Yeah, Ichigo."

A beat started and Ichigo grinned.

 _Greetings dead ones_

 _Let's take a journey._

The scene changed and Rukia was standing on a path that looked like it was made of graham crackers with oversized candy all around her. She had on a bright blue wig and a knee-length dress made of blue M&Ms. Ichika and Renji both turned their heads as Rukia walked from behind a large candy cane.

 _I know a place_

 _That defends the Earth from Hollows_

 _Warm, but it's wild_

 _There must be something in the reishi_

Rukia came to a candy lake that was syrupy blue and out popped Nel in her adult form. Renji was about to cover Ichika's eyes but he saw her breasts were covered in turquoise pop rocks. Rukia waved at her and she waved back. Rukia motioned for Nel to join her but Nel shook her head, holding up a mermaid tail that was also made of pop rocks, pointing in dismay. Rukia put her hand on her chin and then overdramatically got the 'idea!' face. She pulled out a tiny pixie stick and sprinkled it on Nel's tail. There was a puff of smoke and Nel had legs as well as a leotard made of pop rocks. They clapped and kept walking.

 _Swordplay, kido too_

 _Training all day at academy (to help Plus)_

 _We all break our necks_

 _And work hard to get out shikai (and bankai)_

The two came across a building that looked like a gingerbread version of the Shino Academy. Rukia and Nel walked up to the window and saw Rangiku and Nanao in a classroom, looking bored. Rukia knocked on the glass and they looked over at her. She motioned for them to come out and they left the classroom. When they came around the building, the four of them jumped up and down at the gathering, Rangiku and Nanao's chocolate banana traditional Japanese uniforms flouncing around.

They started back on the path again, laughing and giggling.

The scene changed to a beach and everyone had changed into bikinis that were made of desserts. Rukia was made of cinnamon buns, Nel's was donuts, Rangiku's was scoops of ice cream, and Nanao's was cupcakes. They had their zanpakutos in their scabbards but were twirling them about.

 _You could travel the world_

 _But nothing comes close_

 _Til you 'come a ghost_

 _Once you come here with us_

 _You'll be falling in love_

 _Shi-ni-gami girls_

 _We're unforgettable_

 _Ha-ka-mas, haoris on top_

As they said 'hakama', Ichigo passed across the screen in just his hakama doing pelvic thrusts as he walked as the girls did a lewd gesture in response. When they said 'haoris on top', Ichigo wiggled his fingers from his pecs down his torso as the girls pushed their boobs together and moved to either side. The girls had their zanpakutos in the sand and leaned on them, shaking their butts a little.

 _Zan-pak-utos so hot_

 _We'll melt your Popsicle_

Renji put his hand over Ichika's eyes but she moved it to see.

The scene went back to the clouds but Ichigo was there wearing a long purple wig, laying on his stomach, moving his legs, and lip-syncing to the words as the girls sang,

 _Shi-ni-gami girls_

 _We're undeniable_

 _Eyes that pierce_

 _We got you on lock_

The scene went back to the beach as the girls pointed their swords at the camera. They then took them out of the sheaths.

 _Seireitei represent_

 _Now hold your swords up_

They put the swords back in the sheaths and the scene changed quickly to Ichigo pulling at the cloud he was holding in his hand. Renji realized that the clouds were actually cotton candy.

The scene went back to the graham cracker path as the four girls walked down it some more.

 _In a squad each_

 _We take our orders from commanders_

Suddenly Kyoraku, Iba, Ikkaku, Shinji, an Shunsui jumped out in various animal onesies and the girls acted scared. The boys smiled and acted friendly to them. It looked like Kyoraku (dressed as a raccoon) had asked Rukia a question about where they were going. She pointed behind them and they looked to see a gingerbread version of Los Noches. She held up a picture of Orihime and they all nodded.

 _Goals to be reached_

 _We talked it at the kyokai (for josei)_

The scene went back to the beach and in their bikinis as the men wore Speedos with their animals on the front. Kyoraku with a raccoon, Ikkaku with a dragon, Shinji with a frill lizard (frill flaired), Shuhei with a tiger, Iba with a wolf, and Ichigo with a picture of Kon looking like he was saying, 'halt'. The boys put their hands on the back of their heads and moved their hips in a circle as the girls did the dance from before.

 _Shi-ni-gami girls_

 _We're unforgettable_

 _Ha-ka-mas, haoris on top_

Everyone did a unified pelvic thrust and put their left hands on their hips and their right hands out in front of them, walking to the right. They came back the other way and put both hands on their hips, flapping their elbows in unison with the words,

 _Zan-pak-utos so hot_

 _We'll melt your Popsicle_

 _Shi-ni-gami girls_

 _We're undeniable_

 _Eyes that pierce_

 _We got you on lock_

The boys who had partners had their elbows on the girl's shoulders, the girls with their arms around the men's waists, doing a little cha-cha motion. The boys then lifted the girls into the air as they kicked back a leg.

 _Seireitei represent_

 _Now hold you swords up_

The boys held the girls over their heads on their backs. The scene changed and Ichigo was back in the white suit and sunglasses but was standing in the middle of sand, barefoot.

 _Cold, dead, fit and ready_

 _Pursuing one will make you sweaty_

The group reached Gingerbread Los Noches, where Orihime was dressed in an orange bikini with the top made of large orange lollipops and the bottom was orange with a skirt made out of candy orange slices. She was being held captive by Rurika, who was dressed in a Twizzler skirt with Red Hots and Hot Tamale halter top. She laughed maniacally, pulling the red licorice rope. Rukia used her zanpakuto to release Orihime as Ichigo grabbed her hand.

 _Beat you once and they boast_

 _But these are the girls I love the most_

The girls began hooking odd cannons to their bras and pointed them at Rurika. They fired whip cream at her and 'defeated' her.

 _Because she won_

 _I mean she's the one_

 _Kiss her, touch her, I squeeze her buns_

All the men touched smacked a girl's butt and they all gasped. They turned around and punched the men in the face.

 _This girl's a freak_

 _Punch in the cheek_

 _Hit so hard she'll make you bleed_

The women began to turn on the men, chasing them. A couple of caught up with the men and began to beat them up.

 _I'm okay_

 _She don't play_

 _I love the bait_

 _Like I love Seireirei_

 _Rukon District and Soul King_

 _Fighting for them is everything_

Suddenly some gummy Hollows appeared and everyone turned to the new problem at hand. Everyone brandished their zanpakutos and went after a Hollow.

 _Our tongues_

 _Hangin out_

 _All that sass they dishing out_

The Hollows were defeated with gummy juice all over everyone and they all high fived each other.

 _Some sweeties, some meanies_

 _No, Yumichika, we still don't want weenies_

Yumichika hung his head as he held some weenies on skewers. Ikkaku pat his back and motioned for him to join them. He threw the skewers and threw off the hot dog stand uniform, showing his Speedo with a peacock on it.

 _Rukia, my lady_

 _(Yeah)_

Rukia was now in the cotton candy clouds on her stomach, most likely naked, with a hot pink wig on.

 _Lookie here baby_

 _(What)_

 _I want to hear you say_

 _Your thoughts on girls in Seireitei_

The scene went back to the beach and everyone, including Orihime, Rurika, and Yumichika, danced the beginning dance during the chorus.

 _Shi-ni-gami girls_

 _We're unforgettable_

 _Ha-ka-mas, haoris on top_

 _Zan-pak-utos so hot_

 _We'll melt your Popsicle_

 _Shi-ni-gami girls_

 _We're undeniable_

 _Eyes that pierce_

 _We've got you on lock_

 _Seireitei represent_

 _Now hold your swords up_

 _Shi-ni-gami girls_

 _We're unforgettable_

 _Ha-ka-mas, haoris on top_

 _Zan-pak-utos so hot_

 _We'll melt your Popsicle_

 _Shi-ni-gami girls_

 _We're undeniable_

 _Eyes that pierce_

 _We've got you on lock_

 _Seireitei represent_

 _Now hold your swords up_

The scene would change every once in a while showing Rukia in the cotton candy clouds, or Ichigo in the cotton candy clouds, some people in the whip cream having a fight, Kyoraku messing with Nanao.

When it got to the ending of the song, Ichigo lifted Rukia up and twirled her as she put her legs around Ichigo's torso.

 _Shinigami_

 _Shinigami girls_

 _Shinigami_

 _Shinigami girls_

They kissed at the end of the song as some cherry blossoms blew by, turning the screen to black.

* * *

Renji and Ichika stared at the white noise and Ichika seemed the first to recover.

"Did we just watch porn?" she asked.

Renji was still in shock. "I don't know…"

The door opened and Rukia walked in.

"What you two doing?"

Ichika took the tape from the VCR and showed it to her mother. It seemed like a better idea than trying to explain the mental scarring she had just received. Rukia looked at it and then gasped, looking at her daughter.

"You _watched_ it?"

"Unfortunately." Renji said.

"What _was_ that?"

"One of Rangiku's wild parties. She got this idea for a promotional thing for being a Soul Reaper… For some reason everyone seemed on board with that..." She turned to Renji. "This was obviously before we became an item."

"So much candy…"

"Well, Rurika seemed keen with helping us build the world and Yukio was bored so he didn't mind filming it. Getting some people together was a bit of a challenge though. Orihime asked Ishida if he would make our costumes, which he thought was a perfect challenge to his sewing skills… Nii-sama built the gingerbread academy and Los Noches."

Renji seemed to come out of his shock.

"Byakuya helped?" he asked in confusion.

She nodded. "Usually he wouldn't go with an idea like this but he must have been a little tipsy because he was all for it when Rangiku said with a promotional video. He didn't even really ask questions when we asked to make the gingerbread houses... He was briefly in a couple of scenes without his knowledge..."

Ichika thought back and remembered seeing her uncle's hands in the academy scene with Rangiku and Nanao and then standing way in the background when it showed the long shot of the gingerbread Los Noches. She also realized that he had made a sand sculpture of Wakame Ambassador in one of the scenes.

"Oh yeah… he was…" she said.

"I need to go bleach my eyes." Renji said, leaving.

Ichika looked at her mom.

"Why didn't you invite dad to that?"

Rukia thought on why and chuckled.

"I'm not sure why we didn't invite your father. I think he was doing something else at the time, training or something. I know that Nii-sama told us to never mention the tape again, since he was unaware of the nature of the video until we were all sober and showed him. He said he would let the Women's Association build a pool on the outskirts of the Kuchiki property if they never mentioned the tape again."

"I didn't know you and Kurosaki-san went out as a couple."

Rukia smiled. "Not for very long. He had the world to save."

"Do you regret marrying Dad?"

"Of course not. I wouldn't have you, now would I?" She touched her face and took the video. "Now go ahead and finish cleaning. If you come across anymore videos, please don't watch them. I'm pretty sure there's one with me and your father and it's _not_ censored."

Ichika shivered. "Aye, aye, captain…"

Rukia left but could hear Ichika humming the song and smiled.

* * *

 **you can now also go bleach your eyes haha**


End file.
